Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I have always been a seeker. I have been intensely curious about all sorts of things all of my life... hence: “Curious Servant”.

When I was four I made little boats out of walnut shells, watched them float through irrigation ditches beneath orange trees in southern California. I wondered why they floated.

As my dad drove us out for frog gigging in rice paddies of northern California I watched the moon. I wondered at how it kept up with us, racing along behind trees and grain silos. Ignoring my dad’s jokes that the moon was following our pickup, I soon figured out without his help that the moon must be very distant and very large to be able to slide along with us in the distance. It was an epiphany reinforced the following year as I walked to my first grade class room, noticing the trunks of trees following along with me beyond the slats of white picket fences.

I was curious and I saw how curiosity taught me things. I kept my eyes open.

I have done all sorts of things... had all sorts of adventures... and I think curiosity was behind it all.

I’ve been scuba diving with sharks, and I’ve walked much of the John Muir Trail. I hitch hiked nearly 30,000 miles one summer in a youthful attempt to rack up miles and adventures.


I’ve seen the serpent’s shadow slither down the ancient stone steps of Chichen Itza during the vernal equinox and I’ve wiggled through tight passages of abandoned sliver mines in the desert.

I’ve lived in an ashram, meditating for hours on end...

Always searching...

Once, when I was 18, I took a stack of books to a cave on Saddleback Mountain and read, and read, and read. Nearly three months. I read the Bible, and the Book of Mormon, and the Bhaghavad Gita, and the Upanishads. I read Patangali, and the sayings of Mao Tse Tung. I read the Autobiography of a Yogi and the Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna. There was the Koran, and The Lost Books of Eden, and a book on astral projection. I dove into, through, and emerged from the sayings of Confucius, the poems of Omar Kayim, and the whole silly series of Carlos Castenda. I practically memorized Ewell Gibbon’s Stalking the Wild Asparagus and Be Here Now by Ram Dass. I took along some Richard Brautigan to lighten the mood, and kept Walt Whitman and Emily Dickensen on hand.

All my life things my brothers thought uninteresting fascinated me, especially things of the spirit. Even when I was very young. While in kindergarten there was this little church in Willows, California.

I jumped up as high as I could and grabbed the rope. My five-year-old body swung the bell in the tower above me, it rang out, a satisfying throbbing ring. I imagined people all over town hearing the bell ring, telling them it was time for church. As my feet touched the floor I let go. The rope swung up, and just as the rope reached its peak I jumped even higher, making the clang even louder.

BONG, -ONG, ong, ong, o n g... (It’s time for church!)

BONG, -ONG, ong, ong, o n g... (It’s time for church!)

BONG, -ONG, ong, ong, o n g... (It’s time for church!)

That was a significant year for me spiritually, 1961.

I started school. Kindergarten was next to the city swimming pool. I learned I’m not supposed to climb the school fence and run home to tell my mom something. I learned I didn’t draw the sun right (some girl whose name I cannot recall told me so). It was supposed to be round with wiggly lines and a smile, not a brilliant yellow white orb with speckles in a pale blue sky. I learned that if you aren’t feeling well they will take your temperature in the strangest way. And I learned that God was a real part of my life.

I was so honored to ring that church bell. It was like they had chosen me to help be the voice of God, telling our town that He was here, that it was Sunday, and everyone should hurry to church and hear stories about Him.

One Sunday I saw something my mom didn’t believe. The stain glass window of Jesus holding a lamb grew fuzzy, softened, and His face turned to me and smiled. I knew I must be special. He stopped and smiled at me! I cried silently and smiled. My dad frowned.

A few weeks later there was a communion service. My mom told me I couldn’t do it yet, I was too little, I didn’t understand what communion meant.

I loved my mother, but I knew she was wrong. I knew what it was about. I knew it wasn’t just bread and juice, that it wasn’t a snack. I knew it represented something much bigger, much more important. I knew it was about how Jesus was God in the form of a man and that He had let people hurt Him, kill Him, and that the bread and juice represented Him so we could always remember what He did and that we could take part in that sacrifice. I knew He had done it for me.

But words such as sacrifice, and salvation, and communion weren’t yet a part of my vocabulary. I couldn’t tell her I understood what it was all about. For a moment I felt like arguing with her (something I never did). But I also felt, deep inside, that it was ok, that it didn’t matter. That He knew what was in my heart.

Now I am pushing fifty and I feel a stirring in my heart that is still fresh, still passionate.

I have been reading Scientific American thoroughly since 1980 and I still devour books as if they are some sort of food that sustains me. But they aren't, they don’t.

I have found something more satisfying.

I love the Lord my God with all of my heart.

When I am mindful.

What a weak man I am. I can’t seem to keep that focus.

Here’s a guy who could sit for three hours, staring at a candle flame, and he can’t be obedient to his Lord and master, fully obedient, for a single day.

Ah well.

I’m not really going to beat myself up over it. In fact, that is the point of this post. (And you thought I’d never get to it!)

I am saved. The creator of the universe has literally moved the laws of physics, moved Heaven, and moved Earth, and moved Hell, just to be reunited with beings who reject Him continually. I know this to be a truth that is clearer than simple addition. Simpler than the fact that hydrogen is abundant and rainbows are pretty. I know it to be truer than my own beating heart. I am saved. I am loved.

I feel joy that makes me dance. Truly, it does! I do this stupid little dance sometimes when I am praying on my solitary walks.

But it isn’t enough. It isn’t all that I am seeking.

For I know that the joy I feel, the thrill of loving my Lord is shallow.

I know that the grief that broke my heart in two, when I clutched my dead child from the cold metal table at Willamette Falls Hospital, is a pale emotion compared to the LIFE, the VITALITY, I will feel when my faith is sight.

I know that the love I feel for my wife, especially when she smiles, is a shadow of the happiness I will feel when I shake off this flesh, and gaze upon the splendor that my soul continuously whispers to me exists beyond the borders of this strange mortal existence.

Science has a huge blind spot. It decrees that what is true, what is real, are all the things that are measurable, repeatable, observable. But I know there are many things that are not measurable, repeatable, observable. I can feel it because there is something inside my chest, some living, flopping, twisting thing that leaps and sings and has no part of what a doctor might see if he were to spread my ribs apart and peer within.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the band U2 and there is a song that has been rolling through my mind this past week and while I have been tapping away at this keyboard.

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt my healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have found something wonderful

I have found the reality of the divine incarnated. I have swept that truth into my heart and into my life.

But I know that I was created, all of us were created, to sit in a garden and speak with God, spirit to spirit, fully present to each other, and that was torn apart by the selfish motives of all humans who want to have things their own way.

We can’t help it! We are mortal. We are flesh.

Adam had to flee that intense reality, the presence of the almighty God, and Moses learned he could not look upon that reality, that truth, and live.

But it won’t be that way forever. Not forever.

I still haven’t found what I am looking for...

But someday I will.

If you have lost your passion for life. If you are seeking for a truth greater than yourself, for something that will make your heart quicken more than it did when you first fell in love. You need a relationship with the creator of all things. This isn’t some pap, some sappy western myth, but a reality.

It isn’t the total package, but it is as much joy as a mortal frame can handle.


Fox's Mom said...

Have you heard 'Yahweh" off of the 'Atomic Bomb' album?

jel said...

CS, Thanks!

GoD Bless! :)

Live, Love, Laugh said...

wow that was incredible and moving. Thanks for sharing your heart!

curious servant said...

"Yahweh" is a good one. But there are many like that. U2 is a fascinating band. Not a Christian band, but a band of Christians.

They live fully in the world, have their faults, their weaknesses, and let their faith flicker through their craft.

There are a lot of books, a lot of web sites, which look at the faith behind the music. I have one such link on this blog.

David said...

Is it that what you are looking for is not of this earth? A very moving post as normal and one I needed to read today.

curious servant said...

I thought of you and your current situation when I posted this.

I know life is...

Well. No need to trot out trite phrases.

But I know you are struggling.

I take a great deal of joy in this world, and I have felt a lot of sorrow.

I don't want it to sound suicidal or anything, but I am eager for a better reality. There are tastes of it here and I am eager for the real thing.

Vicki said...

I enjoy the way you use words, like how you've found the reality of the divine incarnate and 'swept it into your heart.' Ah, but won't it be something when we finally meet our Lord face to face?

Thank you for another moving post. I think I've been searching all my life, too.

Christopher said...

i'm think it would be neat to have an original art work of CS in my pastorate study . . . thanks for your encouraging comment. what a life my friend, what adventourous seeking.

Bono was asked by tony camolo to explain his song "I still haven't found what I'm looking for," Bono said-- "Being a Christian hasn't given me all the answers; instead it's given me a whole new set of questions." i can deeply dig that

Anonymous said...

Still haven't found what you are looking for? Maybe you are on the wrong path. I was very curious, too. I did kept searching and reading. I've realize none of those were the answers. It is within your inner soul. Nothing else.

curious servant said...

No. I am very much on the right path.

Jesus has given me much. I have been hurt deeply, and I have been given much joy.

Everything of this world pales to the joy, love, beauty I sense just beyond this mortal horizon.

I know that there is much more to be had. I seek what cannot be found while living in flesh.

I have found what is available on Earth, and I am gladly anticipating the rest of the journey within this mortal coil, but I know that what I was created for, the real satisifaction that my soul seeks, is beyond.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Just as the seed seeks the warmth of the sun while still covered within cool, moist soil, I seek the warmth of the Son in a realm that lives above.

curious servant said...


Thank you for the encouragement. As you know, but perhaps not all the readers of this blog, my son burned our church down while playing with fire.

During the past few years I have been experimenting with prayig through art, mostly do on walls.

I am considering doing art on canvasses which can be sold. Frankly, I do the art for the prayers alone, but I have heard so many complaints when our prayer room walls get repainted I thought that if folks want these images, they can have them. I was thinking about doing a silent auction at our church. folks could write down a price they felt comfortable in payinf for the art and the money could be given to the rebuilding fund ($800,000 is needed).

I have had readers suggest I offer some for sale on my blog.

I am unsure about that. I do not want this blog to be about getting money from folks. I even wrote a post about it and then after a day or so, deleted the majoriy of it. I simply do not like asking people for money.

But, after your comment above I am wondering. I want to be obedient to what He wants. And could it be that those prayers on canvass might have a blessing for folks in other situations, that they are not just about me and my prayer life?

I still haven't decided... But I appreciate the input.

Perhaps I could create a separate blog for that purpose? Ideas?

Cinder said...

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

These words are so true of His ultimate sacrifice and His love. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! No matter what happens in this lifetime, He's right there beside us. Thank you so much CS for your comments on my blog. Your posts are so refreshing and inspiring. So many times I leave your site and come back again to reread a post...this one will be no different...thank you so much for sharing from your heart!

Christopher said...

do pray and continue to think on it . . . I would have the same pause about making money and blogs (I've stopped reading some popular blogs that have truned in money making jobs); but the church and your son is something I think your readers care about . . . they care about you. yes carrier of Christ (if i can only live up to my name sake)

Judas Hate said...

You facinate me:-) Full of surprises, beauty, love, understanding and intelligent thought.

You are way too kind and forgiving to say it, but I'm not, so..... How dare the individual who left the "annonymous" comment tell you you're wrong. Why do people find it so necessary to tell others how wrong they are about everything? The good in me says they are entitled. The primal in me wants to tell them to keep their blinded, narrow comments to themselves.

Sorry, can't help myself. Correction, sorry for helping myself.

Whether or not I agree with everything you have to say, I respect it and am honored to be a part of those with whom it is shared.


Judas Hate said...

Okay, so I can't type worth a darn when I'm riled up.

Jada's Gigi said...

First visit, surfed over from Windows to my soul. What a delightful surprise! Such powerful words...I feel your heart so knowingly. We are not creatures of this world and I suspect that as pieces of Christ flung throughout time we are all, (all believers that is), still searching, still desiring to be reunited in every way with Christ who is the head of this body we belong to. Though so many cannot hear His calling to be one with Him through the noise of this world and their is in us as believers none the less, the deep longing to be joined Spirit to spirit without the bonds of the flesh to hinder us. Yes, brother, you will find what you are looking for....

curious servant said...

Thanks for coming to my defense Justin.

Honestly, I am fine with differing views. I have been proven wrong so much that I can easily concede my views may need a little correction. But when I get a comment like the one above I generally think that I haven't expressed myself clearly enough if someone has so missed my point.

I want folks to feel free to say what they like and I rarely delete comments. The only things I tend to cut are the ones comments from spambots.

I also understand that folks drop by and the current post is the only thing a visitor has seen and so they are hearing just a fragment of this on-going conversation.

Also... and this is an important part... there are two general ways of hearing that U2 song. I have shared mine, which is on one end of the spectrum. The other is that in Christ we have gotten all we need and that there isn't any reason to search further. Some folks wish the last verse of the song was left off.

I understand that. Too me it isn't enough. And the idea that I am wanting, that I feel a lack still, makes some uncomfortable and they question if I have truly embraced my faith, that it should be complete.

I may also be wrong about the anon. comment and the person was suggesting that my faith is truly misplaced. And in that I would clearly state that they are wrong. But I can accept they have another point of view and I am willing to give them the space they need here to share their view as well.

Bar Bar A said...

HELLO! Thanks for stopping by my place today, I am glad we got back in touch. I see you've made some changes to your's incredible!!! I love it!

Also - SADDLEBACK MOUNTAIN! You mean the one right here that I can see out my window? Where did you live? I have had many adventures on top of that mountain when I was a teen/young adult.

I've also read many of the books you mentioned above "Be Here Now" - I can still see the purple cover and the brown paper pages.

Great stuff here as always. I'm going to plug in some U2 and continue reading :)

Judas Hate said...

Very diplomatically and eloquently put as always my brother.

You make me smile too. On the inside as well as the outside.

Thank you for being a part of my life:-)

Love to you and your beautiful family.


Internet Street Philosopher said...

That was so beautiful right there. Serving and knowing God is something special even in the crazy times. I would be screwed if I felt like I had to walk through everything all alone.

Joe said...

Your writing draws one in.

That's is rare and a very good thing.

Your testimony was moving and greatly appreciated.


byHisgracealone said...

I am always deeply moved as God places His love in your heart. I can almost feel you inhale His breath as you write. Bless you.


Lillee said...

Great post.I've got that song in my head now. Makes me feel old.

How did it turn out with the plagarizing students?

curious servant said...

There were a lot of tears, a few denials, followed by eventual confessions. I didn't write up any referrals so there were no suspensions, but I had each student call a parent, explain the situation, and then I spoke with all parties concerned. Each one wrote me a new essay which I scored as half credit.

They probably think me pretty tough, but I think they may have learned lessons that will cost them more later on.

I think it interesting the things people remember about my posts.

For example, in this post I mentioned living in a cave, being in an ashram, hitch hiking 30,000 miles, and seeing a stain glass move. No one commented on those rather odd events.

But perhaps the items that were mentioned were more important.

Oddly enough I feel more relaxed when commenting than when I am posting... you can probably tell the difference in my writing "voice".

Christopher is encouraging me to place a painting or two here in the blogosphere for auction and I am beginning to think that might be OK, but I want to separate it from the content of this blog. I want this blog to stay focussed on what it is doing. I may create another blog for that purpose and just link to it. Today I am going to start preparing painting surfaces for the coming year. I am very enthusiastic about it. About the prayers and paintings that is. Whatever money comes from it does not concern me as that is going to be between those who wish to buy them and the Lord, since I will give all the proceeds to the rebuilding project.

What is exciting is seeing these empty surfaces and anticipating the prayers that will flow through them.

After they are done I am pretty much finished with them as well. I'm really not so interested in them any more.

Thanks for asking after my students. I appreciate the interest in that part of my life. Now it is Spring Break. When I return to the classroom it will be a whole new trimester and a new set of students.

God bless!

The Curmudgeon's Rant said...

This was an excellent tour of your heart’s journey. Thank you.

Say, I see you teach middle school in Canby. Back in my Youth for Christ days, I remember a wonderful Campus Life program down there. Canby came up regularly for our yearly Big Splash event, and I loved seeing them at Camp. Good people and good memories, all.

Pirate said...

my great-grandfather was a minister of a church in Willows, California for 50 years.

curious servant said...

Small world! Could it have been the same church I wonder?
This was a little white church, with a steeple of course.

jgf said...

Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Allow me to rephrase of what I said that you might be on the wrong path.

Question, it is a food for a thought: If you are on the right path then how come you couldn’t find what you are looking for?

In my point of view and experience that I have had, if I couldn’t find what I was looking for, so I changed the different path. I have found what I was looking for. I’ve realized I was so blinded for long time until now I know I’m not blind. Any kinds of books or sacred books were not the answer. They may help and guide you but they are not the answer. I have some favorite poems, quotes, and word of wisdom for guidance.

I hope that one day that you will find what you are looking for...

Everyone are different and no experiences are alike.

curious servant said...

I think I will do a follow up post to this one. Perhaps I need to explain myself a little better.

Anon., thank you for your comment.

truevyne said...

I suppose I find what I'm looking for, but there is still more to be found. Something like a never ending treasure hunt with prizes all along the way...

curious servant said...


Is there anything about the above post that needs clarifying?

Perhaps I need a little more depth?

Felisol said...

Dear Curious Servant,
I know you don’t need anyone to interpret either U2 or your own writings.
I did get provoked, though, by this anonymous, who had the self-righteousness to twice emphasise that you are on the wrong path.
You for certain have the experience, knowledge and tried faith in God not to be stirred by such bigotry.
Lots of young and insecure would be both harmed and wounded by “anonymous”.
And I know I am.
I am not that great hearted or done with old ghosts from the congregation of my childhood, not to get trigged when someone says:” Blææh. You’re wrong, I’m right, you’re on the path to hell, whilst I’m going to heaven.”
I found a song writer, Jon Foreman on the internet and here’s a quote by him:

“They say that faith is believing in what is unseen…and I’ve got my eyes set on a kingdom that is here and now - already, but not yet. The Kingdom of Heaven is upon us and there’s a decision to be made in that context. I want to be a part of a generation that is serving more than myself. That’s what this song is about - I dare you to move. - Jon Foreman”

There’s an old term in Norwegian/Danish theology which says: “Now already, but not yet”. It is used to describe our lives as Christians. We are already children of Christ, but not yet a full part of him. We will be, though, once we’re home, home free.

Then we will find what we are looking for.
From Elise

Ps. My husband, who has studied both theology and languages, says that “already, but not yet” is a divine tense of grammar.

pecheur said...

DUDE!! Great post

Judas Hate said...

Ha:-) That's great. I wonder if it is true. Thanks for sharing that with me.

Now, on to other things......

I don't feel like you need to expand on your post for the benefit of one person. Then again, I could very well be wrong. I just feel that if someone doesn't get it by now, as clear as you are, they probably won't.

As long as opinions are flying, I myself don't think it's even about "finding what you're looking for". I personally feel that's the point. It's in never giving up the search even KNOWING you were never meant to find "IT". Maybe the search IS "IT".

Maybe if we found "IT", that would mean there was nothing left to strive for or learn. Maybe in reaching that level, it would in some way equate to perfection. And as far as I know, there is only one who is perfect. (Say it with me people)...JESUS!

In the most simplist of terms (in case someone doesn't understand what I'm going for), "Life's a journey, not a destination".

Less I digress.

Sorry for ranting.

In conclusion, I may be completely wrong. I often am. However, I don't need someone to tell me I'm wrong and I would never make the pretense that someone else was wrong. Making a statement of right or wrong about someone's opinion would air on the side of perfection………

And I'm still ranting.

Enough said.

curious servant said...

Thanks folks!

I plan on writing something this afternoon and posting it before retiring for the day, but I don't know yet if it wil be "Still Searching -- Part II" or one of the other topics I have sitting on the back burner.

It is warming to have so many come to my defense.

And I am grateful for Anon.'s comment that has helped others to jump in to the debate. If we were always in agreement we'd have nothing to talk about.

Talk to all of you later!

curious servant said...

One more thing... Felise, Justin, I am so glad to hear that you understand where I was going.

I'm so glad you drop in now and then!

Fox's Mom said...

When and if, I would very much like to be able to hang a print of your piece (I think you have titled) "The Magnificat." in my home. I really hope you find it possible to make your work available. I've been praying for a way to help your church rebuild, this seems such a great way. Bianca

Lillee said...

I think you handled the students well! When I was in high school, some friends of mine were caught plagarizing in an english class. The teacher brought them up before the whole class and humiliated them. It was terrible. Of course, that was back when it was a little more leagal to do so.
I haven't commented on your post because it is a very dangerous debate that is going on. For people who are on the edge of disbelief, this could sway them either way. I've been there, where there is no concrete evidence and not enough words to convince me what IS and what I believed where two different things. Sometimes, it's the experience which makes you believe.
To Anonymous I say: You are on a very dangerous thinking path. To seek, and seek, and seek, always looking for concrete truth will only lead to being deceived. God isn't going to come down from Heaven and give you 10 written reasons why you should choose Him over the Dali Lama. Turning to Him in faith is what saves you. Confessing He exists is what saves you. Waiting until you find the answers is Satan's ploy to get you to Hell. Remember, you are never promised another moment of life, much less another day.

Ummm....sorry about the rampage CS.

curious servant said...

Perfectly fine, Lillie. You make an excellent point.

It is possible to be right and wrong at the same time.

So I would like to pause here for a moment and say that most of the debates people have about faith are not important.

If you are a seeker, a non-Christian I mean, know this:

The only important thing you need to take away from the tenants of faith re very simple.

1. Despite the pains of this world, know that God created it for us to have a relationship with Him. We screwed that up, but He loves us still.

2. To regain that connection to us He became mortal, experiencing everything we do, sorrow, weariness, even fear, just to show us the way.

3. He permitted us to hurt Him, to kill Him, so that we would have evidence of His love that we could grapple with.

4. We just need to accept that gift in order to grow close to Him.

All the other stuff, pre-millineum, post-millineum, transubstantiation, all that stuff is just our attempts to understand issues that are beyond the corporeal realm. If it confuses, if it irritates, if it bothers you, let it go.

I am speaking especially to you, my anon. friend. Perhaps we have misread your comments, but you should know that the only thing of value, even more valuable than the desires I have described in this post, is love.

We can talk as wisely as King Solomon, and have debates that range through creation and touching upon the sublime, but it is all sophistry if it isn't rooted in love.

I hope you continue to visit, continue to state what you think, what you feel. You needn't feel that my agreement is a prerequisite for your welcome to this dialogue. Come back as often as you like.

You are loved. Not just by me...

But by Him.

Brenda said...

Beautiful! I believe that we must believe in something because to believe in nothing is not living.

Lillee said...

And by me too Anon.

Cs, I posted on this on myblog in between comments and now I'm going to go have church in my living room, because I am so thankful I am not lost.

How Great is Our God
Sing with me
How Great is our God
Sing with Voices raised
How Great is Our God

Christine said...

Excuse me! I don’t consider myself self-righteousness. And insecure? I don’t think so. Who give you the right to say that I am self-righteous? I know who am I. Do you?

By the way, I was born and raised christian home. I did accept Jesus Christ, John 3:16. I was the servent to Jesus and led several people to salvation for LONG time. I was searching through Bible and some well-known christian books, nothing else.
~Former Anonymous and Christian servant

curious servant said...

Christine... I am sorry that you feel you have been attacked. These folks were just coming to my defense in thinking that you were telling me that I am wrong, which isn't too great a leap:

" Anonymous said...
Still haven't found what you are looking for? Maybe you are on the wrong path..."

As for the right to say so, I suppose I gave them that right in letting people have a say here. Just as you are most welcome to say what you feel.

Please do not be hurt or offended. These are good people, brothers and sisters, just as you are.

Please feel free to continue to speak your mind.

God bless.

Me said...

"The stain glass window of Jesus holding a lamb grew fuzzy, softened, and His face turned to me and smiled. I knew I must be special."
I believe you!!! I saw an angel when I was 12 years old. My parents believed me though. I too felt VERY special. I had been asking in my prayers to see one for several years and one night there it was!

Gina Burgess said...

I know this feeling! I call it the Eternity Factor. We were created eternal beings. Adam and Eve caused the rift with their sin and this is the legacy passed down to us. I have a deep longing to be in my Lord's lap. I am prevented this because of my physical body. I yearn to be in Heaven, yet I know there are things I need to do here. We grieve when a loved one passes away because of the Eternity Factor. We just know in our spirit that we are not supposed to be separated because we were created as eternal beings. So... no, I haven't found what I am longing and yearning be eternally with my Lord God. I will, though. I have been promised it and I will, just not yet.

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