Black River

(Song by Amos Lee)

I don’t get it.

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying hard to be kind to myself. I’m trying to give myself the time to breathe, to work through the wide range of emotions churning within my heart... but there doesn’t seem to be any clarity.

My friends ask me how I’m doing. Depending on my mood I either smile and fake it, or I talk about one of the things which concern me. Both responses are a lie.

Sometimes I really do feel great. My heart is full of joy. I am glad, glad, glad.

Sometimes something seems to creep up over me.

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, Black River
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take a my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take a my cares away

I do a lot of writing. Much of it never goes anywhere, not even onto this blog. The other day I sat down to write, and this came out:

I feel like I am spinning away into darkness...

Of late my emotions have been rocking between joy and despair.

I’m so tired... so tired.

Perhaps this will be a post for my blog... perhaps it will be nothing at all... Just the way I feel sometimes... nothing at all...

I walked along the river yesterday. It was swollen, muddy, filled with debris washed from the banks.

Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow.

Physically.

There was a woman from the county visiting us yestereve. She will be Jeremiah’s case worker now that he is a legal adult. She will facilitate services which will help him learn to take buses, balance a checkbook, pay bills, prepare for job interviews, all the details an adult needs to do.

As I sat on his bed last night, I spoke softly about the implications of turning 18.

“So you’ll be 18 on Saturday...”

“Yeah.”

“Is it a little scary, thinking about being a grown-up, living somewhere else someday?”

“A little.”

I let the words hang in the air for a bit.

“You can live here for as long as you need to, but it is important that you someday learn to be independent.”

A thoughtful pause...

“One thing that changes when you turn 18 is how much responsibility you will have. When you were playing with fire a couple of years ago and the church burned down, we were able to step in as your parents and protect you. When you are 18 you are responsible for everything. You have been a good boy for a long time, but now you will have to be careful of your choices in new ways. You will be responsible for all your actions.”

Oh, dear Savior
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, dear Savior
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

Brenda is having a hard time with all of this. It seems that we have been taking care of others for a such a long time.

Her mother, a paranoid scizophrenic, was in such bad shape ten years ago that we moved her in with us. We helped get her meds straight. We helped he through her stroke. We helped her to the point where she can be in her own apartment, though it means Brenda goes over there almost everyday to help her shop, wash her clothes, refill her meds, and a hundred other little things.

And now that our children are becoming young men we look at them and they are so far from being ready for the world.

Brenda is having a hard time with all of this. It seems that we have been taking care of others for a such a long time.

“How long will we have to do this?” she pleads.

Oh, sweet whiskey, Lord
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa sweet whiskey Lord
Your gone gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

I don’t drink. Oh I order a beer when we go out for dinner sometimes. But it is usually only half finished and very warm by the time the meal is cleared.

Brenda is four years sober, and I don’t wish to tempt her by having anything in the house.

But there is something about the idea of buying a bottle of scotch and going off somewhere by myself and pitching a drunk like I haven’t done in decades.

Your gonna take my bottle, my Bible, my mess
Your gonna take all of my empty and my loneliness
Gonna take all of that sadness inside of me
Gonna take it all and set me free

I was at the church early this morning. I was meeting a few others for a little prayer time. While I waited for the room to be available (it’s our monthly 24 hours of prayer and the previous time slot had a good friend of mine in there), I walked outside and looked at the construction underway. Clean wood, freshly painted beams, the building is rising up from the old remnants of the basement where my son had gone off by himself a couple years ago. It’s all fresh and new. But there is still something dusty and old in my heart when I look at it.

The prayer time was pretty good. Except that when I started to pray in that small group, just four of us, a sadness creapt over me. I forced myself to pray thankful things. I threw my mind into a distant future, a time when all of the sadness in my heart will be gone. I prayed about eternity...

I prayed a prayer of gratitude for the free spirit I will become when I will be able to live and breather pure love and joy, in the shining glory of my Lord. I thanked my God for the joys I will feel when I can dance and sing with Abraham and Moses and Paul and Mary and Peter... when gigantic ancient beings of eternity will kneel beside me and bow into the warm embrace of the only arms capable of embracing a universe.

I can’t let Brenda see me sad. I have to pull myself together. I can’t add to her burdens...

What the Hell is the mattter with me!?!

Suck it up man! There is such great suffering in the world and you are groaning because you’re tired?! Get it together!

MyDadDidn’treturnMyCallJeremiahIsTurning
18SomeStudentTookMyIPodFourOfMyDigital
CamerasBrokeThisMonthI’mSoTiredHowAre
WeGoingToPayForIsaac’sTrip?WhyWon’t
ThosePeopleGetBackToMeAboutTheVirtual
Museum?HowDoIHelpMyWifeOutOfHer
Struggles?ILoveYouLordBrendaSaysShe Regrets
HerChoicesI’mBehindInMyScriptureReading
TwoKidsBrokeIntoAFightInMyRoomYesterday
IHaveToFinishThatGrantSheWishesShe
CouldRunAwayIHaveToWriteThatProposalI
HaveToMakeThatVideoIHaveToPrepareFor
ThatMeetingINeedToFinishThatPainting...

I took the day off yesterday, hoping a day of rest would change things.

I need to go pray...

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way