Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Elephant’s Nightmare


Ever get that feeling? The feeling you are in the wrong place, attempting the wrong things, living the wrong life?

I’m not talking about teaching. I seem suited for that task. I enjoy kids, I am creative enough to make my content interesting, to demonstrate connections between my content and kids’ lives.

I mean the bigger picture. Life. Living. The whole bit of walking around in a body, one prone to wants and desires, and carrying a soul, the real me, meant for flight through time and space, meant for communing with my creator.

Life gets so messy. The troubles and drama of family and marriage and kids and interpersonal politics (cue violin section) and bills and cranky vehicles and taxes (begin soft oboe) and body functions and impossible choices (cello) and the whole treadmill of living a mortal life (cue bluesy saxophone).

It is sort of like sitting in a pool of light before a hushed crowd, looking at the keys of a piano... and realizing I haven’t fingers for the keys, realizing I really have the heart of a flutist (forgetting this body hasn’t fingers for that either).



Lately, when I have been at my church during worship, I have struggled to get my heart into the right place. My family sits beside me and I am overly conscious of their struggles, their moods, their perspectives. I shut my eyes and concentrate on the words of the songs... and slowly, from deep within my heart, drifts up the spirit that tells me I have the heart of the flutist.

I’m not really equipped to play the flute (metaphorically or in reality), but when I shut my eyes and think about Him, then the connection between who I am, where I am, and who I think I may truly be joins me to eternity.

I started this blog with the thought I would be examining, analyzing, critiquing and discussing the Book of Job. Somehow it became a place for me to ponder my life, share my journey. But there is one clear connection between my life and the biblical morality tale. Job did not abandon playing the flute, or trying to... No matter the circumstances.

Praise God. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Thank you Lord for this spirit within me, and for this soul, that lets me hear the flute within, even if I can’t play it properly.

19 comments:

Terry said...

Dear Curious Sevant..At first I thought I wouldn't like the new Beta Blogger. I fought against it but now I find that it is really good.
I like this feature on it that lets me come right from my email to the commenter,in this case YOU!
And oh what a great posting!!
I love how you have ended it.Praising the Lord!
I will be back....From Terry

bigwhitehat said...

You know watching you lift your hands, an hearing you sing loud might be good medicine for what ever ails your family.

My kids don't see me cry much. But when I'm singing hymns, my eyes well up. Even a child can understand the siginificance of that.

All that being said, I can't tell you how to focus. The truth is, I have as tough of a time as you do.

Penless Thoughts said...

Thanks for leaving me a comment today. It cheered me.

ukok said...

There are days when I'm feeling like I don't quite know 'where' I am or 'who' I am...I even lose track of 'why' I am from time to time, but I stand still and 'know God' and then I'm okay to go on with my life,until the next time I forget where I am or why I am...and then I stand still and 'know God', and then ...you get the idea :-)

Jada's Gigi said...

He plays the flute within us....calling us higher, above and beyond our humanity and the fallenness of our flesh...I used to be unable to understand people's talk of heaven and the sweet by and by...these days I get it a little more...its just SO tiring being human...especially when the spirit within is longing to be where He is...all the time...and in our spirits we truly are there already...its just this dogged flesh that restrains us...
We really are in the wrong place doing the wrong things...we are strangers and aliens in this place..our true reality, our real home..our destiny is with Him...
keep listening for that flute...

bjk said...

This post 'rings' true...

squirrel said...

I totally know how you feel, I am feeling accutely these days.

Jim said...

Hi C.S. We got this card from a friend yesterday. The card was run-of-the-Dayspring note card.

On the fly leaf she had written this [after mentioning what we have gone through the last few months] telling of her thoughts during hard times:

'I would ask over and over "Lord, you have my whole heart ... how could you let this happen?" ... He responded: "If I have your whole heart, then do this for me. 'For I know the plans I have for you ... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." '

'I told God, "this is not fair" and he replied, "while you were yet a sinner, Christ, my Son Died for you." '

'When I said, "I don't understand", his loving response "But I do ... 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.' '

'When I have been afraid of the future ... He has said, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand ... '

'Hope this helps -- her name is ... '

The spelling errors are mine, the grammer and punctuation are the lady's who sent it to us.

C.S, I think things will be getting better for you. God's time may not be your time, that is hard too.
..

Judas Hate said...

Glad to see your sense of humor is still intact;-)
I've missed our "chats" my friend.
I think of you (and your family) often.

As always, my thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with you.

Justin

beth said...

Yes, we have all felt that way. Rest in the truth that you are discovering. Cling to what you can.

God is faithful, always.

Joe said...

I started reading this blog because Job is my favorite book. But as it evolved, I evolved with it.

Beth is right...God is faithful, even when we are not.

Squirrel said...

I gave you The Thinking Bloggers Award. You can see the details on my blog. Your blog is great Will!

Susan Kelly Skitt said...

Through prayer and praise, we discover His peace. Keep playing that flute... I here a beautiful melody...
Blessings today,
Susan
(Phil. 4:6,7)

jel said...

hang in there CS!


((((huggs))))

Cinder said...

Hi C.S.! I think of you and yours often, but have been guilty of not commenting nearly as often. Lately I've been having troubles knowing who I am in many aspects of life, so many time outs from the blogging arena have come my way.

I had a friend say to me the other day in an email that 'prayerfully and faithfully' are their means of finding peace. I agree with that and also with the fact that He is always there, and is always faithful. That is the one true constant I feel in my life...sometimes it might be quiet or strong, but I know deep down it's always there.

Blessings to you throughout the upcoming week!

Looney Mom said...

Yes, actually, I totally get what you mean. Life is just so awkward and messy. I can't wait to go HOME!

For now let's just not abandon the flute...

Jim said...

Hi C.S. I'm still here and am still praying. Keep the Faith!
..

forget me not said...

Hope you and the family are ok these days. Blessings to you all.

Amrita said...

Wow CS I feel the same. The financial strains of our lives could also be compared to the loud tuba or banging bass drum...can 't ignore it. i love your blog (Amrita from India)