Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Elephant’s Nightmare
Ever get that feeling? The feeling you are in the wrong place, attempting the wrong things, living the wrong life?
I’m not talking about teaching. I seem suited for that task. I enjoy kids, I am creative enough to make my content interesting, to demonstrate connections between my content and kids’ lives.
I mean the bigger picture. Life. Living. The whole bit of walking around in a body, one prone to wants and desires, and carrying a soul, the real me, meant for flight through time and space, meant for communing with my creator.
Life gets so messy. The troubles and drama of family and marriage and kids and interpersonal politics (cue violin section) and bills and cranky vehicles and taxes (begin soft oboe) and body functions and impossible choices (cello) and the whole treadmill of living a mortal life (cue bluesy saxophone).
It is sort of like sitting in a pool of light before a hushed crowd, looking at the keys of a piano... and realizing I haven’t fingers for the keys, realizing I really have the heart of a flutist (forgetting this body hasn’t fingers for that either).
Lately, when I have been at my church during worship, I have struggled to get my heart into the right place. My family sits beside me and I am overly conscious of their struggles, their moods, their perspectives. I shut my eyes and concentrate on the words of the songs... and slowly, from deep within my heart, drifts up the spirit that tells me I have the heart of the flutist.
I’m not really equipped to play the flute (metaphorically or in reality), but when I shut my eyes and think about Him, then the connection between who I am, where I am, and who I think I may truly be joins me to eternity.
I started this blog with the thought I would be examining, analyzing, critiquing and discussing the Book of Job. Somehow it became a place for me to ponder my life, share my journey. But there is one clear connection between my life and the biblical morality tale. Job did not abandon playing the flute, or trying to... No matter the circumstances.
Praise God. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Thank you Lord for this spirit within me, and for this soul, that lets me hear the flute within, even if I can’t play it properly.