Monday, February 06, 2006

Sitting on a Rock

Dearest reader:

Please pardon this very rough post.

I am just plain tired. I'm drained. Physically, emotionally...

I want to write something of beauty, but I’m tired.

So I am going to let my mind drift along a bit and see what flows out. I’m not going to go over this post and change the words slightly here and there, or edit, or go through two or three rewrites. I’m going to go gently down this stream, listening to some old folk music, and see what will come.

It has been a long haul of late. I’m not complaining. I am following my Lord and there are lessons in the events of my life which will lead me to a place that is good. But I would like to find a rock to sit on and watch a few clouds drift by.

Did you know that hunter-gatherer societies have the greatest amount of leisure time?

They do a little hunting. They eat some fruit. They nap a lot.

Sounds pretty good.

I stopped by my church on the way home. I prayed for a while. I drew a little.

I have found my artistic talent again, and I’m exploring what that means.

The current picture is of a torso. It is all colored pencil and scribbles of variously colored Sharpies. There is a heart-shaped stone rolling aside, revealing a brilliantly glowing heart with light streaming out from a white cross. There is a hint of of a long-haired, bearded face, and a swiftly flowing river in the background. Swirling around the heart and the torso are scriptures about redemption and the story of the prodigal son.

You see, a friend of mine has been praying for a very long time for his brother, a homeless man. There is a tremendous story behind this man who found himself once again surrounded by family and opening his stubborn heart to the Lord.

I want to write more about this tale that has touched my heart, but I need certain permissions first.

I have been experimenting with my artistic talents this past year or so. I have drawn and painted other things as well. Perhaps I’ll write about them.


Listening to Judy Collins...

...And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them" ...

I’m not sure what the song writer meant by that... but it makes my heart ache a little...

...He spent a long time watching from His lonely wooden tower, and when He knew that only drowning men could see Him...

We are all drowning, aren’t we?

Life is too busy. The busyness of life interferes with opening our hearts to Him, doesn’t it?

I think that is what is wrong with me right now... I need some quiet.

It is all good. But it might be too much. I would like to share about some of the troubles I see in children’s lives. Drugs, poverty, divorce, hunger... But I can’t. It isn’t my place. But I wish I could love them all they way they deserve to be loved. Every child should have a loving home, a place that is safe.

I think of that Yanamamo Indian in his hammock somewhere along the Amazon... I love my comforts too much to want to join him, but I think that his life is closer to the life God had planned for Adam than the life I have.

Ah, dearest Lord... I could be much more spiritual, I could love You deeper, sing Your praises with passion, if I could spend a few seasons sitting on a rock counting sheep and watching the clouds glide by.

Sweet Lord, my master... life is so busy, I ask just a few small things, Lord. Lord, first and foremost, grant me the ability to see where You would have me go. Make clear my path, provide me with the wisdom to guide my family and make the choices You would have me make. Also, Lord, please grant me the wisdom to care for my students and my children in a way that honors You. May the actions of my life show that I have a master that dictates me to be more than I could be otherwise. And lastly Lord, I ask that You permit me the real sense of Your presence as I walk through my life. Grant me the peace and serenity that comes from knowing that You are near. --Amen.

I think I will get up early tomorrow... go down to the river before work... sit on a rock... and pray a bit.


Hope said...

You know CS your posts have changed. In a good way. Not that there was anything wrong before, please don't get me wrong. But there is a vulnerability and honesty here of late that wasn't as overt before. I appreciate it. You have such a lovely spirit. Thank you for sharing so openly. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

CS, I know that Rock,
I'm very bless to live in the country, I pray you find that rock, I'm glad that you are drawing maybe some day you will show some of them. and thank you for not rewritting this post!
take care

Anonymous said...

CS, here is a verse, that I just read, that I pray that will gave you some comfort!
PETER ch 1: v 3-9

curious servant said...

Thank you. It is worth sharing:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9

David said...

I see a man who is hurting and reaching out. I see a man who remains committed to his GOD and his family. I see a man of deep and genuine prayer.

I see a man who needs a break and you can get just such a break sitting by that river (or a beach for me). I hope GOD was with you as you sat there.

Anonymous said...

I'm going through a rough trial of my own right now, and one of my blogging buds said this to me today...

it would seem you are in a hard place. Please know that you are BETWEEN that hard place and a Rock. Our Rock of Ages! And He's got his arms wrapped around you, my friend.

It seems timely for you, CS as well. God bless.

curious servant said...

Thank you for the kind words.

I'm going to be fine. Just a little weary right now. But I know it will all work out.

wilsonian said...

Praying fullness for you, dear CS...
fullness of joy,
fullness of peace,
fullness of rest,
or at least as full as we can have on this spinning planet.

Christopher said...

I recently started walking on the trails (Dear, Armadillo) behind our house again . . . I’ve thought about running, but that’s me being too driven. I really don’t like the “driven” culture that we live in and measure others and ourselves by. Yes there is a lot to be busy about as far as God’s kingdom (reaching into the lives of the marginalized and spiritually and socially disconnected) is concerned. But maybe it’s the way we do it, “com-passionate” instead of being “driven.” . . . Oh your Echo post was a breath of “fresh blog” for me, thanks.

Jim said...

Hi CS. Your writer's block didn't last long.
Amen to Wilsonian's prayer. That will be my prayer for you tonight.

Live, Love, Laugh said...

I pray God will raise you up so you can stand on mountains. He loves you. You belong to Him. May His peace that passes all understanding guard your heart and mind and may He surround you and yours with ministering angels to fight off the fiery darts of the enemy. God Bless you, Curious, you have truly blessed me!

Cinder said...

It's hard when you are going through a time of weariness, but you do know deep down that things will all work out. My husband and I have decided I need to take a day off and he doesn't care what I do, where I go, as long as it involves rest and a time to focus, because he feels I'm burning out and he's right!

So yesterday I posted my favorite scripture and a little blurb, as I've been having issues with not having the creative juice to reallly write on my blog, and one of the comments I got was this and thought it might be an encouragement for you CS...I had quoted Isaiah 40:38-31 and talked about how even when you don't think you can take another step, he comes alongside you and gives you this amazing strength and perseverance to continue on through the bends and curves of life and someone commented about the whole illustration of eagles and how it's symbolic of God.. Eagles! They are so majestic and symbolic of how God is high but swoops low to take care of us.

Your posts are a blessing to me and I pray you'll be able to rest in His love and peace...God bless!

bornfool said...

Take a little comfort in the fact that people all over the country and probably the world are holding you up in prayer on a daily basis.

Anonymous said...

I love that Verse,
Isaiah 40:30-31
hope you don't mind if I step in here CS, but I love this verse
just think, we are weak, and don't have the strenght to stand on our own, but though God he is our wings, so we can fly, we can stand the hard time, and the good time, if we just stand still and let him wrap his arms (wings) around us! I still learning this!
thanks for your time

curious servant said...

Thank you, all of you. Such kindness... I don't mind anyone chiming in at all. I encourage any comments, and I tend to only delete the ones from the blogbots.

This post was a little different. It was kind of nice to let it just flow rather than try to craft a coherent post.

I'm giving myself permission not to post again until Sunday (unless I get inspired).

God bless all of you for how you have held me and each other up. It is great to belong to such a family!

bjk said...

It is isn't be there for each other, to read and on occassion encourage or even challenge each other....praying for you and yours...becky

Felisol said...

Solid Rock
Well, I'm hangin' on to a solid rock
Made before the foundation of the world
And I won't let go, and I can't let go, won't let go
And I can't let go, won't let go, and I can't let go no more.

For me He was chastised, for me He was hated,
For me he was rejected by a world that He created.
Nations are angry, cursed are some,
People are expecting a false peace to come.

Well, I'm hangin' on to a solid rock
Made before the foundation of the world
And I won't let go, and I can't let go, won't let go
And I can't let go, won't let go, and I can't let go no more.

It's the ways of the flesh to war against the spirit
Twenty-four hours a day you can feel it and you can hear it
Using all the devices under the sun.
And He never give up 'til the battle's lost or won.

Well, I'm hangin' on to a solid rock
Made before the foundation of the world
And I won't let go, and I can't let go, won't let go
And I can't let go, won't let go, and I can't let go no more.
Bob Dylan 1980

Dear Curious Servant. Somehow I feel my toungh is bound, when I try to write about serious matters in a strange language. I send you the lyrics of my favourite poet, Bon Dylan, and hope that he is able to express what I am not.

I have been rough reading your entire Job blog today. I often tend to search you up, when I cannot understand life or God or myself. I find comfort in the way you reason, analyze and question mark what has happened to you and your family, though it breaks my heart to read to what degree you have been tried and tourmented.
I have not got any answers neither to your nor my own loss and defeats.( Defeat is a wrong expression, I guess, because it implies that there is blame involved. I do not think so. I believe there is some lessons to be learned, and maybe God using you as a spokesman, as he once did with Job. In my view God never chooses the perfect ones as his tools,-if there are perfect humans at all-. He elected Peter, Paul, Jeremiah, Jonah, Solomon, even Maria Magdalene.)

Too many words, I know..

A mounth before my daughter was six she had an epileptic seizure, and had to start on a long road of medication and "being different" life.
She was and is very intelligent, with a curious mind. Back then she also expected her mother to have an answer to all her questions.
Shortly after the day she became ill, we were lying in our big bed sayig our evening prayers.
Out of the blue she asked:"Mummy, how far away is God?"
I knew she needed an answer quick and precise. The words from Psalm 121 v.5 came to me: "The Lord is the shadow at your right hand."
"Is that true," she asked while waving her hand under the night lamp, looking at the dancing shadows on the wall. "Is he reaally that close?" She laughed with joy. We looked it up in the Bible to get my words confirmed.
She went to rest with a smile on her face. The moment was an even greater gift to me. Many times through the years to follow, when it has been all black and could around me, I have relived that special night, and read the 121th over and over again. My Bible in fact opens on that very page by itself now. I talk to God, I scream, I cry. He only seldom answers, but he IS there.
from Elise

curious servant said...

Elise... that was most beautiful... thank you so much.

God bless you for this comment.

Tamara said...

Oh Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...Ah, how I loved singing that in church.

I understood your post more than I can put into words. World-weary. Yes, I have been there too lately, trying to squeeze it all in, satisfy everyone, make it all happen.

Thanks for not editing this - it had good timing for me personally.

FTS said...

Many times I have to withdraw to my inner sanctum of peace and quiet. The world is so chaotic, and the solitude is the only way I find that recharges me.

ukok said...


Your post's flow very naturally from your heart, and they certainly touch my own.

God Bless you.

eija said...

I've been thinking, that I need to stop just lurking the blogs I read, and start commenting, too. The problem is, that many times I really want to say something, but I just can't put it into words - not with any language! And if/when there already are a multitude of comments before me (like now) I feel that everything is already said, and I can't really add anything to it - at least not anything worthwhile.

Anyway, I've read this post a couple of times, and I love it. Yes, it's very melancholic and anyone can see it's coming from a "pit". But still, with it flows the incredible presence of the Lord, and that lifts my heart up to Him. Like when the times are rough, but in the middle of all the difficulties, the presence of the Lord is almost tangible. When we hurt the most, He really is closer to us than ever.


jess said...

hey CS, i don't know if you remember me, but i got to hillsong chinese church, i remember you commenting on my blog once before, but never lefted your link, but today i found your bloglink through Susan, and your blog is just so interesting. I have just became your blog fan ;) hehe.

David said...

Just worried about you after this post. Have not heard from you all week and am hoping that you are getting some good rest and peace of mind. Hang in there, don't lose your faith.

curious servant said...

Thank you for leaving a note. I appreciate the comment. Always glad to hear from anyone out there. Don't worry about repeat messages

Jess: Glad you dropped by. I remember visiting your blog a while back.

I won't lose my faith. It is pretty central to who I am. I am busy with stuff of the world, but this week I have been going off to pray fairly frequently. I still have the two posts I started and I might polish them up, and I have two others I am thinking about. But I felt that blogging can wait while I get centered in the Lord. I am thankful for folks such as yourself who check in on me. I might post today or tomorrow, but certainly by Sunday. I do take a peek at the comments once or twice a day. Thanks for asking my friend.

God bless.

van.diesel said...

Well said, well felt, well put.

I dig the new look for the site here.

Judas Hate said...

Your art work is beautiful (from what I can see). Ever consider posting some pictures?

I am trying to find motivation to post as well. It will come for both of us.

Be well, safe and loved brother.

I hope you find a peaceful rock:-)

Fred said...

Rambling is good. It makes you feel better.

As for the artisitic ability, I hope we'll get to see some. I bet you're good.

Joyce said...

You're never more like our Lord than when you go away to a quiet place to pray.

Hope you are finding peace amidst the turmoil and strength for the day.

Still praying for you.

And David, too. He's taken his comments down and right now I don't have his e-mail address. Hoping that he will see this here.

May God richly bless you and may you find all kinds of peace in believing.

Bad Alice said...

Dear CS,

I hope you have found some quiet and rest. It can be so difficult to do that. Whenever I get unexpected quiet, I tend to fall asleep! Sometimes I nod off in the middle of a prayer. We live in such a noisy, busy world.

May God bless you with rest and renewal.

Deb said...

A very beautiful outpouring from the heart. I pray that you will indeed have the peace and serenity that comes from knowing that God is near.

Seeker said...

It's Sunday!

curious servant said...

Yes! I am planning on writing this afternoon.

Not sure what post to work from.

Today the church is being presented the plans for the rebuilding of our church It is going to be $800,000 over the insurance settlement.

Brenda is weary of the whole issue.
She is very discouraged about a great many things. Hurts from her childhood, issues regarding the fire and Jeremiah, our lack of biological children... There has been a spirit of anger that comes over her, sometimes a mood shift that happens within seconds. She is on the worship team today ans isn't in the mood. She had nightmares again last night, being beaten, thrown, and lashed by a dark figure.

There is a prodigal son story that I have watched unfold that would also make a good post.

I could write about that rock by the river, about peace and solitude in the midst of difficult times.

There is turmoil at work. But I fear stirring that water too much.

Tonight is our annual church business meeting. We will be voting on the presentation given this morning about the rebuilding plans. I need to set my personal feelings aside and think like a member of the congregation...

We'll see...

music.angel said...

Hi CS. You are open and vulnerable, and honest as has been said. You are weary and in need of rest as you have said. But I see someone who has a strength in him that causes him to press on. It is a strength that can only come from One place.
CS, I am honored to read your weary post and blessed to see a brother in Christ pressing on, refusing to give in to the temptations to seek comfort elsewhere. You are embracing your pain and weariness and seeking God on what good He will bring of it.
So many look to the world to numb it, that is easy, you are choosing to press on until you see the completed product, which God promises to reveal in His time.

Thank you CS, you have encouraged me today. And i'm praying for you of course.

Kitty Cheng said...

Dear CS, Hunter-gatherer societies sound good, I think we should do something like what they do every now and then, to have quietness, solitude and retreat.I admire your honesty, openness and transparency.please have a good rest.

jollybeggar said...

blessings, man.

yeah, the pressure to post sometimes pushes one impotence. hate it when that happens!

that you are being pushed to explore a different vehicle for creation is awesome. i know that there are times when i write songs and there are times when i write essays- sometimes there are no words, just music from an instrument or (and this is really cool) the music of relationship. remember mr holland's opus?

something to think about- God is not silent through you right now, he has just chosen to speak in a different language.


oh- by the way, i've started reading job again in my quiet time.

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