Saturday, June 25, 2005

Blessed be Your Name

Life is good. Life is hard.

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: “Blessed be Your name.”

We always wanted kids. It just never seemed to happen. After ten years B. became pregnant. Our excitement spilled out of our lives to friends and family.

We had been looking into adopting a special needs child from the state and like many couples who “settle” on adoption we found that we had “our own” child on the way. A realtor (a friend of another couple who’d shared an adoption course with us) popped up, and practically dragged us to look at houses despite our repeated claims that we had no money.

Suddenly we found ourselves borrowing earnest money for a little house in a small town with a swing set in the back yard. I began working on the house to bring it up to FHA standards and we went in for our first prenatal visit.

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: “Blessed be Your name.”

It was a tubal pregnancy. It was already large and she was rushed into surgery. I wept and prayed while my confused mother-in-law stood by.

This was B.’s last fallopian tube. We walked woodenly through our lives in the new house with the empty swing set. We got a dog.

Self pity welled up around us as we watched others celebrate births and birthdays. Our neighbor invited us to his church, and after a month or two thinking it over, we went.

The pastor was about my age and he gave a message about the ache of being childless. And then he announced that she was pregnant. We sat stunned as the congregation burst into applause in that small sanctuary. Here was another couple getting the one thing we desired most.

We went home. A couple of weeks later I lost my job.

It had been a long time since I had attended a church. We went back to see and hear more of these people who met in that small church.

That little church was good for us. We looked beyond ourselves, and occasionally acted. They accepted my odd views and I was loved and welcomed.

I went to school, seeking a career that would be less at the mercy of economics. And the second year in I was introduced to a 16 year old searching for someone to adopt her baby due in three months. We took him home when he was less than a day old. And this child, who looked just like my baby pictures, died in my care three and a half months later (SIDS).

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: “Blessed be Your name.”

There are miracles in that story. I don’t say that lightly. I am a huge fan of science (I read science nonfiction constantly). There are miracles in that story. And they didn’t end with the memorial service we held for him in that small sanctuary.

That experience was a watershed event. I learned much about grief and joy, good and evil, and the testament of the Lord found in nature, scripture, and my own heart. I was hurt deeply and the wounds are still tender. But the love found in that sanctuary helped us walk through that dark, thorny canyon.

We adopted two orphaned boys from Haiti. There were miracles in that story as well. I dreamed proud dreams. I saw a future for them that was boundless.

This past couple of months I have become more aware of who they truly are. Good boys. Large hearted boys. But they have their own challenges that I cannot remedy.

I have been too proud. I gloried in my mental exercises, and reveled in new ideas, working to create a paradigm for myself that reconciled the superficial questions that lie in the gap between faith and science. And my children will never do the same. They are simply unequipped.

A week ago one of them, playing with a candle, accidentally set fire to that sanctuary where we met my friend who publicly shared the joy of a long-awaited first child, where my wife and I held the memorial for our child, where we renewed our vows and watched our children baptized. The flames burned through that sanctuary, threatening lives and sweeping away the place of treasured memories for so many, burned away my hopes for what my children are able to achieve. My oldest will always be four.

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: “Blessed be Your name.”

So I begin a new journey. I have crossed out of one valley, that watershed of personal growth. And while looking back down over my shoulder I have stepped across the ridge of my life into a new watershed. Now I begin the path down into a new unknown valley of experiences.

But the Lord is my shepherd and I will follow Him.

And my heart chooses to say: “Blessed be Your name.”

35 comments:

Alda said...

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt tale. And thank you for stopping by my blog earlier. I wish the very best for you and your family.

Alda said...

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt tale. And thank you for stopping by my blog earlier. I wish the very best for you and your family.

Alda said...

Oops. Sorry that came twice!

Anne said...

Wow, thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine the pain. My heart aches with you and for you.

p.s. Thank you for your kind comment on my blog.

Little Boy said...

Hi dear my friend,
thanks a lot for visiting my blog... you made me so happy ! ! !
I answered your comment in my blog...
If you read the last article in my blog, you'll surely find out something !!!
leave me more comments. I would love to answer any of your questions... ! ! !

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.::SINA::.

Little Boy said...

Hi
here in Iran our dish can recieve many satelights, but we wanna watch the Iranian TV's. there is more 25 Iranian channels in Los Angeles and other cities of the US which work against Iran's regime.
last year we had more than 1000 channels in our satelight, but suddenly we saw that the channels become bad signal exactly from 6:00 PM to 6:00 AM... after a while they said that they are sending some Noises I mean some Parasite signals which make the signals coming from Hotbird and Telestar satelight stop.
sorry, my english is not well ad I can't not describe the exactly thing.
anyway, take care.
.::SINA::.

jrf said...

I can not comprehend the roads that you have traveled. I am grieved by the words I read, but I know that there is hope and you are right, Blessed be the name of the Lord. He is a beautiful mystery... Thanks for being the first to make a comment to me.

curious servant said...

Thank you for your kind words, all of you (Alda, Anne, Little Boy, & Jess).

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