May the Words of My Mouth...

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation from my heart
be pleasing to you
pleasing to you
My God

You're my rock and my redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing
in Your eyes
every hour and every moment
Lord I want to be Your servant
I desire to be a blessing
in Your eyes
in Your eyes
oh, in Your eyes
in Your eyes

My eyes were shut tightly, the words spilled from my mouth and my heart.

I want to be a servant...

When I first set up this blog it seemed to me that being a servant was what He wanted from me. So I named myself Curious Servant to reflect my desire to learn, my desire to be obedient.

When I sing such songs during worship I feel I can be something like that. That I can set my ego aside and serve Him with all of my heart, not thinking about me.

But there is always more. More to me than that, things I want, which makes me less.

The sermon today covered a range of topics. Guidance for drawing closer to God (scripture and prayer), how the rebuilding of our church should be reflected in the rebuilding of the people within it.

Such mixed emotions.

I’m not sure if I can sort them out for you (or for me)...

My pastor and friend might read the words posted. There is something about what I am feeling and thinking that I don’t want him to read. I don’t want him to feel that he has to come to me and reassure me. I don’t want him to feel he has said anything that has affected me negatively. (It's OK my friend, really.) I don’t think it affected me, us, negatively, it's just another step in the healing we are going through since our son burned the church down twenty-some months ago.

My son will be turning 18 in a few weeks. I know him better now than I did when he was playing with that candle. I understand now that though he seems to be understanding, seems engaged in the world, he is faking it, simply employing the skills he has learned to survive. He doesn’t understand.

They were talking about the new youth center in the rebuilt church. I was wondering where Jeremiah would fit into all of that. He will be a legal adult soon, but his mind is like that of a little child. His IQ of 46 means he will be a child in a man’s body, and I simply do not know what to do with that.

I tell Brenda things to reassure her, to make her feel that it will be OK, that Jeremiah will have a place in the world, a group home or something, but I really haven’t any idea what it will look like. My heart aches and my eyes water when I think of how hard it has been raising these children, and how I really do not see clearly how we will move on.

I do not regret adopting these boys. I love them passionately and would give my life without hesitation to keep them safe. But it has been a hard, long road.

Sometimes I see the ache in Brenda’s eyes when we hear about the birth of another child, the triumphs and joys in young parents. She wanted so desperately to bear children.

Ah... I wander...

These sorts of thoughts were going through my mind this morning as I heard about how we are to grow closer to God through spiritual disciplines, scripture and prayer.

The pastor spoke about the renewal of our spirits as we rebuild our church.

There was a beautiful metaphor about how the steel beams which are rising out of the ground in the construction area are like upraised hands of praise.


I see the rebuilding of the church in those terms, of how this whole episode will bring good things to our church, our community. I am glad that the facility will be available for our community to use free of charge. I am glad that there will be opportunities for people to find peace and solace and joy and salvation in what will come from all of this.

But there is a part of me that feels so drained by the whole thing.

We have given financially to the rebuilding. I came up with a number which strained our resources. I then increased that number by 50%. Then, after talking it over with my wife, we doubled that number.

I know that when they talk about what needs to happen in our church to rebuild it debt-free they are speaking to a congregation, not just to us. But it is difficult not to feel responsible for the whole thing and want to find a way to take this burden off of the shoulders of my brothers and sisters who attend that church.

I know that such burdens are good for those people, that they should learn the lessons which come from stepping out in faith.

Frankly, I'm just a little tired of the stepping out.

Perhaps it’s the continual burden of dealing with Jeremiah and the repercussions of his actions.

We still are so careful not to leave him alone. We are afraid of trusting him. I really don’t think he will do anything, but when I think what another mistake could cost him... That a second such mistake would probably land him in jail, a place he would not do well in...

I don’t know what is going on with me lately. A week ago I wrote that post, Flotsam & Jetsam, in an attempt to free myself of some ugly baggage, and this week I am prattling on about these mixed up feelings...

Perhaps I’m simply tired... I work 50+ hours a week, I parent, and husband, and teach, and plan, and try to find ways to grow spiritually. I write this blog, I paint... Usually I am laughing and silly and cheering people up...I just don't feel like it right now.

I look at what is happening in my church, and I try to do my part, to give sacrificially, to promote His work within and without...

Well... What a mess of a post. No elegant conclusion, no building up of various points to offer a spiritual insight to my readers... Just a mish mash of emotions I don’t know what to do with.

I really, truly, desperately, want to be a blessing in His eyes. I feel like I have been carrying a heavy weight, a number of heavy weights, for so long...

Shame and grief and determination to do what is right because of the actions of my son...

What to do with a child who will be legally an adult but will never be an adult mentally...

Tender words of encouragement for my wife as she quietly grieves over the child she never carried...

I try to reassure her about going to college, that she deserves a job where she feels happy and fulfilled, that she shouldn't drop school to help pay these bills...

Shame and anxieties and embarrassments over the events of my childhood, memories that won’t be still...

A desire to improve my craft as a teacher, to be the best teacher I can possibly be, to change, to grow to challenge myself.

And the deep, deep desire to please my Lord with the words I speak, or write, or think... the deeds I do, and the deeds I do not do.

I desire to be a blessing
in Your eyes
every hour and every moment
Lord I want to be Your servant
I desire to be a blessing
in Your eyes
in Your eyes
oh, in Your eyes
in Your eyes